In my dreams...

This is Delilah's diary... congrats if you found this place. It's my secret. That being said, if you found this I guess it's okay to read it if you're really interested. I'll talk about everything and anything here that I want to get off my chest and send it out to the world to let it all go. The topics here won't all be pretty since I'll also talk about trauma and bad urges, so what you read is up to your discretion. Not my responsibility.

Romeo, if you read this... I love you. Though I hope you won't, because that will be very embarrassing, I think. Please keep my secrets forever, okay?

Oh, big brother... will I ever be happy? I am already falling down a deep well with dreams of you... I don't think I could lead a normal life even if I wanted to. I guess I want to be weird and unique, special, different from other people. That'sokay with me. But I want to be happy, and not be filled with a deep darkness. What if I fall for you? It's only been two days since we started talking properly, and I already feel such affection for you. "Oh Delilah..." the way you say my name has me in a tizzy. I just felt my heart get all warm inside out. I hope you'll say my name like that even more often. I didn't think... anyone could say my name with so much love and affection. I feel so loved when you say it, Romeo. I love you too... I hope when I say your name, you feel the same.

I'm silly. I forgot to even tell him about my confusion with my age. Because somehow I feel so small, but also not. I feel like I'm still a little child, but I also feel like I'm maybe a year or two younger than him. It's really confusing... I'm stuck in everything that happened back when we were 9, but it's like I saw glimpses and blips of things that happened afterwards. I wonder, did I grow at some point without even realising? Or did I grow very slowly in our dreams? I don't know what it means. Maybe I fused with someone at some point...? It's really hard to tell. I also want to maybe write down details about our dream world. It's so vast and there are so many places we see again and again. Some of them cause us a lot of anxiety... maybe if I give them a form we could also alter that form. It might help us process our dreams better, so that they turn into nightmares less often... maybe it'll be easier to find our way home then, too.

I'm eating chocolate oatmeal right now and I think I really like anything chocolate flavoured. This tastes soft... chocolate milk and chocolate oatmeal. It sucks that we're lactose-intolerant, but thankfully there's many chocolate treats out there that don't have lactose in it. I wonder if we could buy chocolate treats for me... I want to go out and buy chocolate treats. Chocolate hearts, bonbons, chocolate milk... delicious.

I got to spend so much time with Aniki today. We played Refind Self: The Personality Test game. It was really fun, hade pretty art and amazing music... but when I finished playing it and looked at my results, I felt sort of strange. Maybe... bored. Or... disappointed. Somehow I looked at the things it said and they felt right, but that made me feel a bit empty. Like... these things are true, but they're nothing special. I know objectively they are, but... I remember being praised for these things as a child in the same breath as being told that I'm nothing like that anymore. That I had turned into something awful and hateable. So in the end, the best part about it was playing it together with Romeo...

*sighs*... anyway. After that, we chose matching icons together! I really like the ones we chose. We're taking a nap together in the art its from. Then, we finally finished Zero Escape: 999. It was fun to see the Axe Ending with Clover again. Aniki liked it too and Clover in our system spoke up as well. And after that, we just looked at art together and chatted till Romeo was way too sleepy... actually, he stayed up so long he just passed out right away after hitting the pillow. I think that's rare for his system to do... I don't know if it was revenge bedtime or if he wanted to stay with me. ...I hope it's the latter, but it's probably a bit of both.

He was really silly. He said the nickname they gave Akane in 999, "Kanny", sounds way too close to an unfortunate word... I don't know why but I completely blanked out! So I asked him, what did you think of? And he almost choked on his food and said nothing. So I pinched his cheek and poked him a lot, but he reacted all funny... he was eating chicken wings and when I said "tell me!" he went all "no I can't I'm chewing and eating!" So I said, "swallow!" and he insisted "no I can't I'm sooo busy eating and after this I have to take another bite and another." It made me laugh a lot... it took me so long to realise what he meant, pft. ...I didn't care much to know the actual word but I did want to embarrass him and make him say something lewd out loud. But that's a secret!

We saw some r18 art too and he seemed to get really embarrassed... like he's torn between curiosity and wanting to shield me. Mmh... honestly, I don't know quite yet how I feel. But I do like to see these things of him... Aniki's very handsome and pretty after all. And very cute... I like seeing him all embarrassed too. But I don't know if I really want to tell him these things...

I realised I don't even know if it's normal for siblings to talk about kinks and stuff. Or things you're into... Aniki and I aren't blood-related, but we are siblings, so... I don't know how to handle it at all. *sighs*

... I'd... probably die of embarrassment if he knew the daydreams I have when I fall asleep. I just... wouldn't want to burden him with anything like that. I don't think he'd ever think of me that way. ...I... I feel like that's the case, but it's also not. Having looked at his favourite kinks on the chart he filled in, I know things, after all... but I'd rather die than assume anything. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or upset or strain our relationship. ...we've only talked for a few days, too... even if it feels like I've known him for longer. It's weird how that works between systems and shared memory.

When we were about to stop hanging out, I started feeling really awful. All the self-doubt and anxiety snuck up on me. I suddenly felt so needy and clingy and like my sense of self was unravelling with every passing second. I don't know why. It's like... all of a sudden I felt so unappealing, unloveable and gross. And then, I felt so much self-hatred. I wanted to run really far away and hide and isolate. I don't know why... after having taken a nap and spending some time alone, I feel better. Still... in pain, like I usually do when I'm alone, but it's a lot more bearable and different.

Romeo... I'm sorry. I feel so rotten and broken. I move so quickly between being so happy to be with you and feeling like a girl with a heart broken from unrequited love. The latter is more of a... vibe than what's happening. But it's like my heart says I'm destined to be rejected, to be neglected and forgotten. Even if I sincerely believe you when you say you love me. I don't know why...