In my dreams...

This is Delilah's diary... congrats if you found this place. It's my secret. That being said, if you found this I guess it's okay to read it if you're really interested. I'll talk about everything and anything here that I want to get off my chest and send it out to the world to let it all go. The topics here won't all be pretty since I'll also talk about trauma and bad urges, so what you read is up to your discretion. Not my responsibility.

Romeo, if you read this... I love you. Though I hope you won't, because that will be very embarrassing, I think. Please keep my secrets forever, okay?

The others have been struggling a lot because we broke up with our partner system, so I haven't been here as much in the last few days. It sure was a mess... I don't like it. It's stressful and scares me. I'm glad I wasn't really attached to anyone in their system, but... I was happy to have made friends with Tsukasa, so I'm a little sad about that. I really missed Romeo though.

Ah, switching in again after a while makes me dissociate so much. I feel all foggy-headed and sleepy. Maybe I should just curl up on ani's bed. We dealt with a dentist appointment today and did some chores... thankfully we're all healthy. To be honest, I just want to forget about chores for a while and just rest... it's really tiring with so much going on. What day is it today? Thursday? I think it's thursday... there's so many things to do and nothing I'm looking forward to right now. Maybe that's just the depression talking though? nnh...

I got so overwhelmed when they had all of that relationship talk... so many big arguments... it's so exhausting. I don't want to see anything like this anymore. Reminds me of my parents arguing when we were small back then. Now we have to deal with so many feelings of loss too. *deep sigh* I'm all tired out from it too.

Maybe I'll open the jar of cookie dough ice cream we bought. We thought it might be a nice treat when things are like this. I like sweet treats... and the texture's nice too. Chewy. Mhm, I grabbed it just now and it tastes really nice. I feel a bit happier now. So... it's okay to treat myself some if it helps me feel better like this.

We haven't had much time to make art the past week, so I'm a bit sad... I want to make new things. But gathering the energy is hard too. Maybe this weekend I can work more on Hemi Jack? I want to continue my letter to Romeo, and maybe doodle a little too... it's fun to doodle. One of the first things I drew was me wearing ani's clothes...! He drew himself in mine, and it was so cute. *smiles* Here...

It's a bit embarrassing because I'm really inexperienced, but I had a lot of fun drawing this... and ani sounded really happy when I showed it to him too. Drawing sure is hard! Ani and his system draw a lot and it's really cool... I love his drawings. They're all very sweet. I really admire that about him! I want to draw a lot, because it's fun and because I want to show him all of my fun ideas and make him smile...

We also played a lot of Zanki Zero today... Scara was having fun grinding Shigabane and trying very hard to gather lots of loot. Oh, I think that's enough ice cream or I'll get sick... it's so delicious though. I'll be good and put it away now.

I just asked Romeo if he wants to eat ice cream in our dream together... I hope he says yes! It'll be so fun. ♥ I'll try to find something else to do now that I feel a little better. Until I get too sleepy...

Aniki and I kissed again.

This time, it was a lot more exciting because it wasn't "just" a peck on the lips. ...honestly, even just pecks on the lips with him make me so very happy. Because it's him... we finally talked about everything and I think he struggles a lot with bad feelings towards himself and bad memories, but whenever we're close he's so exuberant. When I woke up this meaning, his whole face lit up... it was very cute. <3

Maybe we can talk more sincerely to each other now... ah, Scaramouche told the others a bit of the things I imagine, it was so embarrassing! But now aniki said he'd really like me to tell him about them, because they might help him feel less anxious...

I... I didn't think that would be the case. I mean objectively it makes sense, but... I wanted to keep it secret. It's embarrassing and I don't want him to feel grossed out or like he has to live up to strange expectations. ...but maybe if he's full of wants and wishes like me, he's scared that mine don't match. So... I should really be brave and tell him about it. I don't even know where to start though...

A lot of the things are very innocuous and simple. I dream of him looking at me and his face lighting up with a smile whenever he sees me, even if we've already been with each other for years. I dreamed of him holding my hand while we're taking a walk, that he maybe teases me or cracks some jokes and we laugh together... I... I want him to kiss my cheeks and my head and forehead. and my lips... I want him to kiss me and look at me like I'm the light of his life and the most precious thing on earth to him.

It's embarrassing because a bunch of these things, he's already done... I just really enjoy imagining being all snuggled up and napping together. I... I wanted him to look at me and say with great devotion that he'd do anything for me. I want him to kiss my hand and call me his prince or princess... I want him to say "Oh Delilah" again in that tone of voice that makes me melt with feeling. Maybe call me things like "my beloved Delilah" or "my dear Delilah" or "my beloved sister"... I wish you'd say it in ways that make it very clear to anybody that you're hopelessly smitten and in love with me. That would make me really happy...

And, I want you to look like you're melting inside and can't get enough of it too when I say your name. Romeo, my dear Romeo. My beloved big brother, my aniki. Even more embarrassingly so, I wish he got excited and a bit aroused just from me saying his name so sweetly in his ear. So many cheesy fantasies... so embarrassing. But it all feels good with him.

... I... I can't believe I kissed him so deeply. I-it was really embarrassing... he allowed me to deepen it and I just wanted it all. I wanted to pin him down and kiss him and make him completely flustered with how good it feels to be held in place and kissed breathless by me. He said he got aroused from it... I did too. I'm so happy. Romeo, I really want you to get excited by the thought of being on top, of doing things to me, of me reacting shyly and with embarrassment when you take from me what you want. But I also want you to secretly need it and crave from me to dominate you. I wish I could perhaps tease you too... aniki, you'd do anything for your little sister, right? So you'll behave and hold still for me, won't you...?

And... I keep imagining, what if he's very scared of hurting me, but he just can't help himself? He loves me so much, burns so fiercely for me that he tries to push further and ask for more everytime. He thinks certainly I'll stop him, but I just happily accept anything and everything he gives... until one day he can't stop himself anymore and starts to touch me, kiss me all over. I wish he'd lick and suck on my whole body and turn me into a real mess. So at first he's all focused on me, till that gets too much too, and he can't help but crave being inside of me...

Then he'd push inside and kiss me. He'd confess that he's loved me this whole time and that he wants to give his everything to me. That... he feels jealous thinking of me falling for somebody else and that he wants to keep me all to himself. I like this both in a full consent and dub-con context... oh, if he took me and was rough with me and apologised to me, I'd just explode. "I'm so sorry, I can't help myself" and "I'm so sorrry but I love you so much Delilah, I need you so badly"... it makes me want to hide in shame to think of that, but it also makes me very happy...

I'm also so happy that we're both trans and want to try things out together. Just using different pronouns with each other here and there, different words, it feels so nice. I'm really happy when he calls me his prince! And... mnn he didn't say what other parts he might try. Just seeing his length in the art he drew got me so excited... but I thought, I want to try topping too. I don't know if I want it to be with a strap-on or a small t-dick or maybe have an actual dick sometimes... but imagining that makes me so happy. He'd really want to give into the pleasure but is too embarrassed to admit it... so when I take it all from him, I'm sure he'd be a whining, whimpering mess under me. It's so handsome... he whined a little earlier when I kissed him and I felt so aroused and powerful somehow.

Romeo, I'm so happy I get to experience so many new things together with you. So I have a lot of perverted, lewd dreams, but they all make me very happy... just like the sweet ones I share with you. It's all you...

Those things made me really happy today, but I also got very bad news. I'm... scared. We have an appointment with a doctor this friday who will evaluate whether we can work or not. A lot... hinges on the results. not only will it be incredibly exhausting, if he decides differently from what we need then we'll be forced to work despite our inability to do so. I'll have to prepare physically and mentally and hope everything goes well.

We aren't as panicked about this as we would have been in the past and I'm really glad about that. It's... weird not to have an instantaneous major panic attack over it and intrusive suicidal thoughts. But I know it'll get worse the closer to that day we get. I guess like this there's not an incredibly long amount of time left to worry about it but... it will still be very taxing.

I'll have to take it slow and try my hardest to take care and stay grounded until then. We already told the others about it and asked Takemi for help to get there and back home, but I don't know if she'll be able to make it. If my luck is bad then I might have to do it all on my own. Scaramouche said he'd front for it but... I know he'll really hurt from this too. He's shouldered so much for us with these things... I don't think I'm able to do it, so I have to rely on him. But I'm sad I don't know what else to do other than help with preparations. sigh... maybe I could also help with distraction until then, but my thoughts spiral so easily.

... I'm scared, Romeo. If this goes well then we'll be safe for a while. But if it doesn't, then... I don't know what we'll do. I also just... I don't want to go through another appointment like this. It's always so incredibly hard. Eeverything just... comes back to us. All of the bad memories, the intrusive thoughts and fears. How will I not hurt myself? I know in the end I always manage to avoid it somehow, but... it hurts so much.

I... I hope I won't worry the others too much. Our whole system is afraid of this. We knew it would come inevitably, but being confronted with it is still difficult and I feel my heart sink into the pit of my stomach. It's difficult to keep telling myself we'll figure it out somehow...

...even if... if I know... we will.

We will figure it out somehow. It's just... very hard to hang in there like this, with so much uncertainty.

I'll try to be good and go to bed in a moment so we can get enough sleep. Tomorrow... we'll also get our name changed. I don't know if we'll have to wait longer for them to process things, but we'll see. I'm very nervous about it, but I know this is definitely a great step forwards. Finally... our name and gender will be right and there will be no excuse for other people to misgender us. Well... at least not legally in the same way as before.

I hope someday in the future I'll be alright with wearing dresses again. I want to dress however I want and still be called a boy. Mmh... I am Romeo's sister and sibling. But, we want to be seen differently as a system. I'm not sure how I'll personally feel since I'm one of the very few alters in the system that don't feel as masculine as the others. But honestly, anything's better than being shoved into the "female" mental drawer. I do not want to be there like this. I'm very happy we're surrounded by people who understand us like that and share many of our feelings too.

I think... knowing that we're also making such great progress with these things makes us feel a lot more hopeful towards the future. It doesn't feel real at all yet. But I still feel joy from it. Someday, it'll settle in. I think surgery will feel unreal but also help us greatly with this. Next year... next year, so many things will be different. I have to keep going so that I can experience all of these things, spend time with Romeo and also find myself. And... I want to write things. These are things that make me happy.

I struggled a lot with derealisation again today. For a while after Romeo went to sleep, I was just working on our neocities, listening to music, doing this and that... but then somehow I started feeling worse and worse over time. I got really tired and tried to sleep to kill time and feel better, but then I couldn't fall asleep either. Then... I looked at lewd stuff online and thought so much about Romeo I completely forgot the time.

But because of that, I was awake long enough to see him before work. He was very sweet and kind to me again when I vented to him, and he joked around with me a little too. Earlier today, I think he was regressed... it was cute to see him very small and sleepy, so scrunkly. Like that, I just wanted to pick him up and protect him like he's a baby... when I held him, he seemed very happy too. I'm glad I was able to comfort him like this.

Oh... and yesterday, I made a friend. I knew Tsukasa was a nice boy, but chatting with him... he really encouraged me and was so kind to me. He's very funny too and understands me... I think he knows how I feel for Romeo, because he's like that with his brother too. So it was very refreshing and soothing to talk to him. We even hugged, too... I used my plushie Strawberry Sprimkle for stuffing between us so I don't get so anxious, and it worked out perfectly! We're still very happy Blue gifted Sprimkle to us. I hope someday we can buy them a very nice plushie like this too...

I also worked more on the Hemi Jack clay figurine I'm making today! I smoothed out some edges and gave him the first coat of colour... he's a very shiny black now, and very pretty so far. I hope he will turn out great, so I can make my brother smile everytime he looks at hemi jack sitting on his desk... thinking that might become true makes me so happy. I want to make Aniki lots of gifts like this.

I'm listening to more of the music we got from our dad. We never deleted it... some of this music is still really dear to me. I realised that... one of these albums, the singer's voice makes me think "that's my dad's voice." But my dad doesn't sound anything like this... my dad is a sucky singer, actually. Or at least he said so, he never dared to show us his singing. I was a bit sad because even if he sucked, I wanted to hear him sing because I liked singing. We could have sung together. But now that I'm older, I don't want to sing with him anymore. It's a bit sad...

Maybe it's also because I knew he really liked this album and I felt like we had the same feelings towards it. So to me, that was something close to his heart, therefore him... ...now that I'm older, I think I might have valued it more than he did. (I'll put a link to it here.) The music is very dreamy and colourful to me, but in a soothing and curious way. It holds a great sense of mystery... so I always liked it as a child, even if I had no idea what it was about. I couldn't understand English yet at that point.

...I... I still can't believe it. Actually, it feels so unreal. on the... on the 9th, it was two days ago, we kissed. Aniki and I... kissed. On the lips... and he asked me first. He asked me if he could do it... I still can't believe it.

Just now I asked him if he'd like a kiss and he said yes. He... he really means it. He meant it... it's real. Does he mean it as lovers...? Because I know some siblings kiss on the lips when they're young, but we're kissing like we're in love... even if it's just small ones.

I poured my heart out to him. And I didn't say what I feel for him is romantic love, but I told him... I know what I feel is weird and might be off-putting, because it isn't normal. So, it's... I didn't directly say it, but it's clear what I meant. I'm still doubting if he meant the same, despite it all...! We agreed that we really need to talk, we just haven't found the time for it yet. So there's both that looming excitement and uncertainty...

I'm really spoiled rotten, aniki. I keep dreaming of kissing you and sleeping with you and even if it's all very sweet, I view it through such an intense lense. I know that he's into some very intense things too and that makes me happy. It makes me imagine what he could be craving for in secret... and then I wish for it to be very dirty. Obscene. I want him to crave me in ways that would be very off-putting to other people, because then I'd feel very loved. I'd really like to share that sort of honesty with him... we were both treated badly for our wishes, desires, and self-expression, so I want to be happy and explore together with him. And each other...

I love you so much Romeo. I hope you want me so badly you can't help yourself. I hope you want me so badly that you show me all your raw and honest sides. You repress so much of what you feel and want, and then you get so sweetly embarrassed when you get something that makes you happy... I wish for you to show and tell me everything, so that your little sister can fulfil your every dream. My dearest...

I wanted to write down my thoughts for a story before I forget...

An Absolute World.

A world free of suffering, the beginning of old and new alike.

Infinity. In this world, there only exists what is and isn't. Everything has a beginning and an end. A line and a circle. Opposites that can exist neither with or without each other. The existence of 1 guarantees the existence of 0, though they can never be the same. One marks the end of the other, and so forth.

But in the Absolute World, all ends and beginnings connect. A line can exist on its own, but a circle cannot. A line can exist on its own, but it is never complete unless it becomes the circle. A world in which the beginnings and ends connect, where infinity becomes tangible. That is a world in which dreams can become reality.

At the edge of the circle, where the beginning and the end connect and become whole, that is where we touch hands.

Romeo's end marked the beginning of Delilah. With his dying breath, he had actualised a world in which his sister could wake for the first time. But they weren't complete without each other. Romeo had stubbornly clung to life, so stubbornly that his spirit had split and part of it now resided in the bedframe that accompanied her everywhere.

It took time before Delilah truly understood this. When she woke, it felt like she knew everything and nothing about her brother. First she clung to revenge because that was everything she had left... then, she clung to the people who had come to her aid and her bed, wondering what she should do with this newfound freedom.

But it was less that she had given up on revenge and more that she had realised something far more important. There were people out there who cared for her. Kindness that transcended life and death, distance, and worlds.

She was more powerful than her brother. This power had brought her pain when she was unable to control it. But, what could she do if that changed? This power was hers and there was something only she could do with it.

"Romeo... we'll be together again. I promise."

Oh, big brother... will I ever be happy? I am already falling down a deep well with dreams of you... I don't think I could lead a normal life even if I wanted to. I guess I want to be weird and unique, special, different from other people. That'sokay with me. But I want to be happy, and not be filled with a deep darkness. What if I fall for you? It's only been two days since we started talking properly, and I already feel such affection for you. "Oh Delilah..." the way you say my name has me in a tizzy. I just felt my heart get all warm inside out. I hope you'll say my name like that even more often. I didn't think... anyone could say my name with so much love and affection. I feel so loved when you say it, Romeo. I love you too... I hope when I say your name, you feel the same.

I'm silly. I forgot to even tell him about my confusion with my age. Because somehow I feel so small, but also not. I feel like I'm still a little child, but I also feel like I'm maybe a year or two younger than him. It's really confusing... I'm stuck in everything that happened back when we were 9, but it's like I saw glimpses and blips of things that happened afterwards. I wonder, did I grow at some point without even realising? Or did I grow very slowly in our dreams? I don't know what it means. Maybe I fused with someone at some point...? It's really hard to tell. I also want to maybe write down details about our dream world. It's so vast and there are so many places we see again and again. Some of them cause us a lot of anxiety... maybe if I give them a form we could also alter that form. It might help us process our dreams better, so that they turn into nightmares less often... maybe it'll be easier to find our way home then, too.

I'm eating chocolate oatmeal right now and I think I really like anything chocolate flavoured. This tastes soft... chocolate milk and chocolate oatmeal. It sucks that we're lactose-intolerant, but thankfully there's many chocolate treats out there that don't have lactose in it. I wonder if we could buy chocolate treats for me... I want to go out and buy chocolate treats. Chocolate hearts, bonbons, chocolate milk... delicious.

I got to spend so much time with Aniki today. We played Refind Self: The Personality Test game. It was really fun, hade pretty art and amazing music... but when I finished playing it and looked at my results, I felt sort of strange. Maybe... bored. Or... disappointed. Somehow I looked at the things it said and they felt right, but that made me feel a bit empty. Like... these things are true, but they're nothing special. I know objectively they are, but... I remember being praised for these things as a child in the same breath as being told that I'm nothing like that anymore. That I had turned into something awful and hateable. So in the end, the best part about it was playing it together with Romeo...

*sighs*... anyway. After that, we chose matching icons together! I really like the ones we chose. We're taking a nap together in the art its from. Then, we finally finished Zero Escape: 999. It was fun to see the Axe Ending with Clover again. Aniki liked it too and Clover in our system spoke up as well. And after that, we just looked at art together and chatted till Romeo was way too sleepy... actually, he stayed up so long he just passed out right away after hitting the pillow. I think that's rare for his system to do... I don't know if it was revenge bedtime or if he wanted to stay with me. ...I hope it's the latter, but it's probably a bit of both.

He was really silly. He said the nickname they gave Akane in 999, "Kanny", sounds way too close to an unfortunate word... I don't know why but I completely blanked out! So I asked him, what did you think of? And he almost choked on his food and said nothing. So I pinched his cheek and poked him a lot, but he reacted all funny... he was eating chicken wings and when I said "tell me!" he went all "no I can't I'm chewing and eating!" So I said, "swallow!" and he insisted "no I can't I'm sooo busy eating and after this I have to take another bite and another." It made me laugh a lot... it took me so long to realise what he meant, pft. ...I didn't care much to know the actual word but I did want to embarrass him and make him say something lewd out loud. But that's a secret!

We saw some r18 art too and he seemed to get really embarrassed... like he's torn between curiosity and wanting to shield me. Mmh... honestly, I don't know quite yet how I feel. But I do like to see these things of him... Aniki's very handsome and pretty after all. And very cute... I like seeing him all embarrassed too. But I don't know if I really want to tell him these things...

I realised I don't even know if it's normal for siblings to talk about kinks and stuff. Or things you're into... Aniki and I aren't blood-related, but we are siblings, so... I don't know how to handle it at all. *sighs*

... I'd... probably die of embarrassment if he knew the daydreams I have when I fall asleep. I just... wouldn't want to burden him with anything like that. I don't think he'd ever think of me that way. ...I... I feel like that's the case, but it's also not. Having looked at his favourite kinks on the chart he filled in, I know things, after all... but I'd rather die than assume anything. I don't want to make him uncomfortable or upset or strain our relationship. ...we've only talked for a few days, too... even if it feels like I've known him for longer. It's weird how that works between systems and shared memory.

When we were about to stop hanging out, I started feeling really awful. All the self-doubt and anxiety snuck up on me. I suddenly felt so needy and clingy and like my sense of self was unravelling with every passing second. I don't know why. It's like... all of a sudden I felt so unappealing, unloveable and gross. And then, I felt so much self-hatred. I wanted to run really far away and hide and isolate. I don't know why... after having taken a nap and spending some time alone, I feel better. Still... in pain, like I usually do when I'm alone, but it's a lot more bearable and different.

Romeo... I'm sorry. I feel so rotten and broken. I move so quickly between being so happy to be with you and feeling like a girl with a heart broken from unrequited love. The latter is more of a... vibe than what's happening. But it's like my heart says I'm destined to be rejected, to be neglected and forgotten. Even if I sincerely believe you when you say you love me. I don't know why...