if it sucks hit da bricks

Welcome to Cheshire's journal!

This page is for us to rant about whatever we feel like and maybe save some memories to look back at in the future. That being said, the topics here might not always be pretty since we might talk about stressful topics, trauma, weird freak stuff we're into, etc... it's up to you if you actually want to read it. We are happy with how this page turned out... ♥

So this might make for a very depressing first entry because I'm going to talk about some heavy irl and relationship stuff. But I guess we made this place to just put down our thoughts and it's unlikely many people are gonna read it anyway so it should be fine.

I've had a rough week with a bunch of heavy appointments and arguments happening that were hard to deal with. The most positive part is definitely that we finally had our appointment to get our name and gender marker officially changed and that's a great step forward that we've highly anticipated. They said it shouldn't take long at all before the change is official and we can grab a new id and everything... it feels strangely unreal, but I'm also very happy and excited about it. It took a lot of work to get to this point but I still feel grateful I get to have the chance at all. It's a weird situation where I think trans people of all kinds should be able to live as their truest selves and be entitled to that, but I also know that few of us have the luxury so I'm thankful to be able to do it. Next year is going to be both amazing and tough with surgeries and stuff... but I hope then that we can finally feel more comfortable in our body and express ourselves more. Paint us in colours that feel like us... it's a surreal and happy thought.

Another thing we've been really grateful for are all the good friends we have. I don't understand why one of our partners did what they did and it hurts a great deal, but with our friends and our other partner by our side it's been a lot easier to deal with. I remember being all alone in the past and in a much worse spot where this sort of thing was absolutely bone-crushing. I know everyone in the system will have to deal with big bouts of grief and it'll take a lot to get through, but I feel reassured knowing we have such a good support system now.

But it's still hard to handle. I don't know why they acted the way they did. They'd talk like they accepted their mistakes and were sorry for them, but also like they were repressing their feelings so hard. Like they were just... approaching them with a clinical distance and denial. One of my friends pointed out that it's really not normal to feel super optimistic and positive literally the day after you hurt your partner a lot and I realised that's really one of the most obvious parts about it. They'd act like it's all okay and gonna be okay while I was still sitting there and hurting. Were they even taking into consideration how much it hurt me?

And then they just up and left and blocked us. I said I wanted some alone time, not this. They literally did the same thing we argued about a day later and then when we told them so, they said "it was bad" but no apology. So I wanted some rest. But apparently that didn't work for them.

I just don't understand how they can act so cowardly and refuse to face what they're actually feeling and doing. Now I'm sitting here with all this uncertainty and confusion. I don't know why they did all of this. I don't know why they suddenly just left. They didn't even say anything before blocking me. I don't know if they'll try to message me again or if this is the last time I'll ever have talked to them. It's... such a weird thought to consider. I guess 4 years ultimately won't be that long compared to the rest of my life, but it sure felt way longer than that. I made so many experiences with them and found so much love that I treasured, but it feels like it's all been smashed to smithereens. I do wonder if there's choices I could have made differently, plenty of them, but it ultimately doesn't change the fact that I did my best and they couldn't handle their own weakness. ...even if I really believed they could. But what on earth possessed them to throw everything we had out of the window like that...?

I know they're plagued by the symptoms of their mental illnesses, but so am I. And even if what we have is different, it's no excuse to act like this. The last time when we argued I didn't talk to them for several days and I told them if they don't change things and if this stuff happens again, there's no going back from that. And it happened again. Even if they come back to talk to me, the relationship's over. I... I want to be together. I love them very much. All of them. I don't want to lose what we had. I know the more we'll process it, the more we'll cry. But I... guess it's also different if you were forced to think about it ending before. I just... didn't think it'd be like this.

I don't think I could let the hurt they did to us stand like that. But I also know that them just disappearing like this is the worst way to end it. We at least want to have one more conversation. I want to tell them they hurt me and I won't forgive it like this. But I also want to thank them for all the good times we had and say we won't forget them. That we still really love them and that our feelings were true.

It's just so painful to think of how they made me feel during our last talk. I felt so hated somehow. It was so weird. I hate that feeling - knowing someone loves you and you love them, but somehow they make you feel that way. Maybe they hated me then and there. Maybe they still hate me. Maybe they'll hate me from now on. I don't know. I can't ask them anymore. I could contact them if I really wanted to, but they clearly don't want to talk to me since they blocked me. I firstly will not run after them because there's nothing to be gained from that, but secondly, if they don't want to talk to me then I guess I'll have to respect that. But I hate being the one who still had more to say in the end.

I feel so sad remembering one of them said the day before that I am worth it. That I've always been worth it. That they love me and want to be with me. And then only a day later, they just... ... ...how could they go back on what they said so suddenly? I believed him. I really wanted to believe him. I wanted it to be true. And I wanted it to be stronger than whatever drove them to do this.

Why did you go? I was still dreaming of a future with you. But now, we can never have that back.

I thought you'd understand me better than anyone else. I thought I knew you better than anyone else. But now I have no idea where you are or what you're thinking. I wanted to dedicate my life to loving you. I made art for you. I wanted to make art together. I wanted to carve our hearts into the world together with you.

It's such a pathetic end to all of that...